Other thought
provoking questions:
If people evolved from
apes, why are there still apes?
Whose idea was it to put
an “S” in the word “lisp”?
How do those dead bugs
get into those enclosed light fixtures?
How come you never hear
father-in-law jokes?
One last thought….
The statistics on sanity
are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends---if they’re okay, then it’s you!!
A couple had
only been married for two weeks the husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a
beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the
bar.. you know...they have frozen
glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy
Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
really delicious! . I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 4 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR
FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR #$%@ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER-- GOT IT,
NUMBNUTS?" . . . .
…….and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
story?
Smart Ass
Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass
Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it,
the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
#1 SMART
ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Lawyers should
never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, in a small Southern town the prosecuting
attorney called his first witness,
a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them
was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The perturbed judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
son of a bitches asks her if she knows
me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail."
Inner
Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for
it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to
give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never
correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor
friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
JOKES
SAVING THE
EASTER BUNNY
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw
the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He
swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of
eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to
see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much
to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving
down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the
Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter
because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what
to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray
can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed
the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up,
picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the
Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on
down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped
another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in
heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you
sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can
around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Why, Why, Why?
Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why
do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they
know there is not enough?
Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion starts, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why
doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why
doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why
do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will
have materialized?
Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more
chance?
Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the
bubbles are always white?
Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?
Why,
in the winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?
Why,
when we are in the supermarket and someone rams out
ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so,
do we day, “It’s all right”? Well, it isn’t alright, so
why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot!”?
A 4 yr old
would accompany her mother as she delivered meals to the
elderly. Canes, walkers, wheelchairs-all intrigued her.
One day her mother found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. Ready for a barrage of
questions, imagine her surprise when the 4 yr old
whispered to her her, “The tooth fairy is never gonna
believe this!”
It’s Almost
Back-To-School-Time- can you believe it?
Which
brings to mind the little girl who had just finished her
first week of school and said to her mother, “I’m just
wasting my time. I can’t read, I can’t write and they
won’t let me talk!”
Or the
little first grade boy, who on the first day of school
handed the teacher a note from his mother that read,
“The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents”
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the
last word in any argument.
Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a
man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries
about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20
for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't
need because it’s on sale.
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss +
smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
HOW TO
SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" – She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."
2. She is
not "EASY" – She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is
not a "DUMB BLONDE" – She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST
PROVIDER."
HOW TO
SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case
of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Walmart
Special
A very loud,
unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman
stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why would you think
they're Twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither
blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice.”
Your Tax
Dollars @ Work!
Bubba and Ray
(Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at
the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and
asked what
they were doing.
"We're
supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said
Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few
bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from
her pocket,
took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"
and walked
away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a
woman?
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work
supervising
the reconstruction of New Orleans.
Three little
old ladies (Tillie, Maude & Gertrude) and their dogs were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a
flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of
them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that
far.......
5 Winning Smart Ass Answers
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at
her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass
Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
