SAVING THE EASTER BUNNY
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion starts, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Why, in the winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, when we are in the supermarket and someone rams out ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, do we day, “It’s all right”? Well, it isn’t alright, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot!”?
A 4 yr old would accompany her mother as she delivered meals to the elderly. Canes, walkers, wheelchairs-all intrigued her. One day her mother found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. Ready for a barrage of questions, imagine her surprise when the 4 yr old whispered to her her, “The tooth fairy is never gonna believe this!”
It’s Almost Back-To-School-Time- can you believe it?
Which brings to mind the little girl who had just finished her first week of school and said to her mother, “I’m just wasting my time. I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
Or the little first grade boy, who on the first day of school handed the teacher a note from his mother that read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents”
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need because it’s on sale.
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" – She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" – She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" – She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Walmart Special
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why would you think they're Twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.”
Your Tax Dollars @ Work!
Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at
the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what
they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said
Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked
away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman?
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising
the reconstruction of New Orleans.
Three little old ladies (Tillie, Maude & Gertrude) and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.......
5 Winning Smart Ass Answers
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Other thought provoking questions:
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
One last thought….
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends---if they’re okay, then it’s you!!
A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know...they have frozen
glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious! . I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 4 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG
AND EAT YOUR #$%@ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER-- GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" . . . .
…….and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, in a small Southern town the prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The perturbed judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you son of a bitches asks her if she knows
me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail."
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!